Bringing Baggage and Past Abuse Issues
Into an M/s Relationship

Recently I have been reading about the excess baggage that some people carry with them into M/s or D/s relationships. It got me to thinking and I started writing and this is what I came up with. Please understand that what I have to say here, although written in article/essay form is not meant to be seen as fact but rather my own feelings based on my experiences.

In most of the circles I frequent, it is the general consensus that it is terribly unhealthy for a submissive or slave-minded person to enter into an M/s relationship until they are completely healed of their former abuse, trauma, or baggage. In fact, one of the things I see said most often about people who are dealing with emotional or "mental" issues is that they should not even consider M/s until they don't have those issues anymore.
I am one person who believes otherwise. I believe that while a master slave relationship is not an absolute cure, nor should be used as an enabling crutch, it certainly can be effective for the healing process from past abuses and trauma related issues.

When I entered the relationship with my owner, I brought a great deal of baggage with me. While I had done my best to deal with much of it already, I still had a long road ahead of me. When he and I met, neither of us were seeking any sort of relationship, let alone one of master and slave, however throughout the natural course and growth of our connection, the roles quickly defined themselves. Before taking on the responsibility of owning another human being, my owner got to know everything he could about me. In fact, he got to know me before he even considered me in that M/s light. He understood that I had issues from my past that I needed to overcome. He also understood that the M/s relationship can be one of healing, learning, and growth - growth that comes from using new, natural, primal methods to utilize honesty, face your past, confront your demons, and move on.

Everyone has some sort of baggage. I've never met anyone who doesn't. If unresolved issues are so unmanageable that you cannot effectively live your life or take care of yourself, then I don't believe you should enter into any kind of relationship. However, if you are a functioning, independent human being but one who still needs healing and if you need to experience what it is like to be able to trust in an open, stable, and consistent environment, perhaps entering into that power exchange based relationship isn't such a negative thing – even with those extra suitcases.

I know that in my case I was a far more broken person than I am now. My owner was not interested in owning perfection right off the bat. He was interested in a growing, living, relationship. I am very fortunate and grateful that he saw the potential that existed in me and decided to put forth the necessary effort to shape, mold, and heal me into the woman that I am now. More important than his healing me was his guidance and structure that helped me to heal myself. God knows I'm still far from perfect but I am certainly a better person for having entered this relationship.

In my life, co-dependency was a serious issue. I was an absolute control freak. Not necessarily dominant sexually, but always needing to have the last word and upper hand in everything else - especially relationships. It was terribly unhealthy not only for me but for those around me as well. I also suffer from a condition known as "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" as well as clinical anxiety and we are learning now that while I thought I suffered from clinical depression, it may be what is known as manic depression (commonly referred to as bi-polar disorder nowadays.)
While the anxiety and the manic depression conditions are clinical and require more than guidance to overcome, the PTSD and the control issues have improved massively since I first sought the tutelage of my owner. It was through spending an enormous amount of time with him, learning to trust him, giving up that control, giving up that last word and experiencing the consistency and guidance of his firm, upper hand that I was able to heal even further than I ever thought possible on my own.

When a child is damaged, we teach (and preach) that they need firm guidance and consistancy. They need structure and a strong foundation from which to stand and learn to trust. While I am not a child nor do I believe that a slave is anything child-like, there is a truth there that I believe applies to all human beings - not just children.

My owner doesn't allow me to wallow in self pity which was something that I never admitted to, but I frequently did when I wasn't in the company of others. He doesn't allow me to continue the destructive behavior that I exhibited in my past. I am no longer permitted to refer to myself in negative ways. I cannot crack fat jokes at my own expense nor am I allowed to hide my fears, inhibitions, or feelings of anger from him and by eliminating the unhealthy behavior and bringing the negative emotions out into the open, many of my demons are gone. My confidence has grown immensely and my ability to serve him grows more each and every day.

Many of you reading this may think, "Geez, what a basket case she must have been" and to be honest, you might not be far from the truth but on the outside, no one would have ever guessed. I was the woman who had it all together. I rarely relied on anyone for anything. I was most often thought of as the strong and independent one who lent their hand to those who were broken. The reality was that I didn't have it all together like I projected.

It was because I was unable to mask the ills of my life from my owner that I was also unable to mask them from myself. My absolute honesty to him became an absolute honesty to myself and through that, I learned to conquer many obstacles and I am willing to continue to face any other issues that should rear their ugly heads.

There are a lot of people who didn't like the movie "Secretary." They felt that it showed lifestyle people as being mentally ill or unstable. The truth of the matter is that a majority of people are mentally ill and/or unstable to some degree these days. In the movie, "Secretary," both characters had issues. They both had some serious baggage. The female/slave was a co-dependent cutter with little or no self confidence. The male/dominant was an obsessive-compulsive person who thought that his urges to dominate were sick and wrong. It was through their interaction with each other that they found healing. He gave her the permission she needed to quit hurting herself and to stand up and be confident (and independent). She gave him the trust and surrender (and love in this case) he needed to realize that his need to dominate her was not sick but natural.

While the movie itself is fiction, the reality to me is that the M/s relationship (aside from being a healthy, natural, and fulfilling way to live) can also be therapeutic to those who need to experience new levels of trust, self-love, confidence, and temperance. I don't believe it is a cure-all nor do I feel that people should seek owners because they need someone to fix them but I do think that it is possible for people with damaged psyches to mend through the natural course of the M/s experience. After all, if the M/s exchange is so natural, than what better way to heal?